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Thanks to John Klopacz (via Ross Clark via Mike McMillan)
for this tour de force. John asked: what would a "SoFtie"
(member of Sea of Faith) do? Clive Richards' answer is near the end.
Mike's version of what a post-evangelical would do is at the end.
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What would you do if, while traveling to work, you see a STOP sign?
* A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (i.e., he knocks it over with his
car), thus ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the
east-west traffic.
* A Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He
concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the
progress of the workers on the east-west road.
* A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the
stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition.
Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he
doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
* An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or
Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if
the car in front of him does.
* A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign
and then waits for it to tell him to go.
* A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover
that it can mean either: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug
for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; or 2) a
location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his
sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is
a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off
passengers from your car.
* An Orthodox Jew does one of two things: A) Take another route to work that
doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the
halachah, or B) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our
God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait
3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud
has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who
doesn't stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not
count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three?
Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the
Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda
says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and
know that I am God." R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating
the Ammonites,the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out
of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the
stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he
saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his
transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a
baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking
and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving
through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop,
father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus
it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the
stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord,
your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs
created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs."
But R. Yehoshua says: ... (continues for three more pages...)
* A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the same thing as an
Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces
his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that
it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
* A Breslover Hasidic Jew sees the sign and makes his boddidus (a form of
spontaneous personal prayer) saying: "Robono Shel Olam [Master of the
Universe] -- here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm about
to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please
watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then,
"looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully
accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal -- even if the car rolls
backward for a moment -- then he hits the gas pedal and forges bravely
forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara [evil inclination]
might put in his path.
* A Lubovitcher Hasidic Jew stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in
the light of the Rebbe's teachings. (In former times he would have used his
cell phone to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe personally for advice,
but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe rest in peace.) Next, he gets
out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah mobile [outreach booth],
taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the sign
whether or not they have put on tefillil today [male ritual] or whether they
light Shabbos candles [female ritual]. Having now settled there, he
steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until
Moschiach [the jewish Messiah] comes.
* A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while contemplating
the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During this internal
process he edges into the intersection and is hit from behind by a car
driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign completely.
* A Conservative Jew reacts by calling his rabbi and asking him whether
stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on
Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's
answer he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.
* A Reconstructionist Jew, seeing the stop sign, might say: First, this sign
is part of our evolving civilization and therefore I must honor it and stop.
On the other hand, since its origins are in the past, I must assert that
"the past has a vote and not a veto," and therefore I must study the issue
carefully and decide if the argument "to stop" is spiritually,
intellectually and culturally compelling enough to convince me to stop. If
yes, I will vote with the past. If not, I will veto it. Finally, is there
any way that I can re-value or trans-value the stop sign's message for our
own time?
* The Renewal-Movement-Jew meditates on whether the STOP sign applies in all
kabbalistic Four Worlds [Body-Emotion- Mind-Spirit] or only in some of them,
and if so which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being? driving? Since
he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this question, he is quite safe
while he does so, barukh HaShem. [Praise G-d.]
* A scholar from the Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP"
undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to
stage III of the Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by
traffic in its parking lot.
* A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there
is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and
Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical
street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations
on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs
on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There
is an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however: the author apparently
forgot to explain what the text means.
* An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences
between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example,
"ST"
contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two
enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author
for the second part is different from the author for the first part and
probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the
second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of
similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
* Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign
would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he
neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its
present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as
though the stop sign were not there.
* Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends
the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to
understand in
context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The
textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to
"STOP"
on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe
to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a
shopping area.
* A feminist scholar notes that all commentary refers to "he" and concludes
she is thus exempt, so she runs the sign and is killed.
* A radical feminist, observing what happened to the first feminist,
concludes this is a misogynist plot to get all feminists killed by inciting
them to run stop signs. So she gets out of the car and stages a protest
against the inherent sexism in all traffic signs.
* An observant Orthodox Jewish woman concludes that she is not allowed to
observe the mitzvah [commandment] of stopping because she is niddah
[menstruant]. This is a dilemma, because the stop sign is located on the way
to the mikvah [ritual purification pool]. She refers the dilemma to all the
Rabbinical scholars, who shrug.
* A feminist Jewish woman sees this as a sign from the Shekhinah [feminine
aspect of G-d) that translates roughly "enough already...."
* Coming to a halt, the SOFtie recognises the sign for what it is - a human
construction. Moreover, it aspires to the very best in human (and certainly
Christian) praxis in addressing itself without reservation to everyone and
anyone who comes upon it. This element of inclusivity, in particular, warms
the SOFtie's heart ! Truly this is an icon of our aspirations for public
safety, a supreme totem of the common good. Indeed, a STOP in the name of
Love!
* Meanwhile, a post-evangelical, while in no way wishing to diminish the authority of the stop sign, uses his or her own judgment and treats it as a Give Way.